The Smirking Valet

There once was a post, of dynamic muckraking proportions.  This was once a blog, worthy of linkage.  And there was once a poster of such tenacity, such passion, such benevolent charm, such chutzpah, that even when "the Man" attempted to shut her down, she would not be silenced.  Due to this blog, I've deeply offended some, moved & shocked others, and most importantly made you smile, laugh, and feel special down in your neather regions.  

I've lost roommates, unmasked ex boyfriends, mentioned things I'd never mention in the flesh, and flourished as a writer.  I will never use this blog again - only so much of my life can be contained to one website.

Adieu, fair weathered Live Journal users.  It's been a ride.  Please stop throwing furniture - that's Wedgewood for Christ's sakes!  We're not trading in, we're trading up!  From now on, make the sweet sweet love at...


www.thesmirkingvalet.blogspot.com

Same sassiness, same rack, pure Smirk.

[Unknown LJ tag]

We don't need Jerry Springer, we need Supernannies!  This is a brilliant plan, but I really don't think just going into poverty-stricken homes is the final step.  There are sexual active pre-teens smoking, drinking, and staying out all night right here in our fine City.  Someone needs to give these kids a good smack.  Then smack their parents with their Manolos.  Can I be first???

Did you know St. Martin is owned by the Dutch and the French?  Me neither!  Legend has it, the boundaries were determined in a drunk walking contest in the 1600's.  These two entities have coexisted peacefully for all this time - see how that works Idi Amin?  Therefore, they use two currencies - the Euro and the Antillian Guilder.  Wow, right?  Currently, the US dollar is a bit stronger than the Euro, but much weaker then Guilder.  That translates to me doing the majority (if any) shopping on the French side.  Put in your wish list now.  Oh, and it's Duty-Free!  Squee!

The Dutch side is known as Sint Maarten, wheras the French is Saint Martin.  Philipsburg is the capital of the Dutch side, but I get the feeling we'll be staying on the French side, near Marigot..  Philipsburg is apparently more of a haven for tourists with big hats and sandals with socks.  We will be 1683 miles from New York; I'll try and put a message in a bottle if we end up on a boat.  We'll also be one hour ahead of New York, which means I celebrate 2007 before you!  Unless you're my friend Denise from Taiwan; in that case, you win.

French and Dutch are the main languages spoken, with a bit of Spanish thrown in.  And of course, they also speak English and US Dollars.  I'll never forget taking a taxi in London, before exchanging my US dollars for Pounds, and giving the driver 50 American dollars for a 20 pound ride.  Go fig.  I'll have to pick up a Berlitz English-French book - the family will surely be impressed.  I can speak a bit of French and Spanish, but not enough to get me a meal or medical help.

It will be in the mid-80's, and we're traveling during the dry season.  But, I would love to experience a tropical rain storm.  At least my photos will turn out great..  I can't wait to take the kids to the beach - I love love love the beach.  On the French side, it's completely acceptable to sunbathe topless.  But for me, it's similar to when an employer offers me a drink - I never accept, as I'm on duty.  Besides, didn't you know I only take off my clothes for money?  I don't "sunbathe" anyway.  I burn - badly.  We'll be closer to the Equator, so I'm going to be covered the majority of the time.  As an aside, I depise getting tan or any color - I'm fair skined, and I want to stay that way.  When I do get tan lines, it takes almost a year for them to completlely fade away.

Hopefully, the villa (squee) will be equipped with appliance converters.  I need to find a really good book to bring - any recommendations?  And if you make the Americanized "ok" sign with your hand - three fingers up, with index finger touching thumb - it could be taken as an insult to the French.  Actually, almost anything Americans do is taken as an insult to the French, but I digress.  And did you know the last Dutch governer of New York, Mr. Peter Stuyvesean lost his leg here during a stuggle with the Spanish?  Wow!  

Christopher Columbus landed here during his second trip, and raped & pilleged more cultures.  Also, these beaches where hiding places for Pirate's treasure!  That's right - Treasure Island, right outside my door.  Arrgh, right?  With the cultivation of sugar cane, came slavery.  But, I'm happy to report the slaves were emciapated.  Yay!  There used to be cannibals on the island, too.  They would eat the husbands of the rival tribe, and marry their wives.  That's what I'm talking about, right?  What what!

more edumacation later...taking child to birthday party.

So smart, and sassy.  Jimmy Neutron is one of the only kids programs I can think of, where the boys don't think girls are gross, the do continuous movie parodys that appeal to me (they just ripped off Pulp Fiction, and reference Tarantino in many of the episodes), and it's just a smart program.  Hell of a lot better than Fairly Odd Parents.  I think Jimmy Neutron is almost as good as Animaniacs

Now the question becomes, why am I watching Nick at 8 in the morning?  Because I'm stupid, and I can't say no.  I tried to say no,  but was threatened.  I was told if I didn't come in today, I wouldn't be able to use this mother (nudist) as a reference.  Let's do the math; I'm working 13 hours today, and twelve for the important job tomorrow.  I realized when I leave on the 25th with the family, I will be working a total of 18 days straight for them - 12 hours a day.  That's 216 hours.  I'm earning the 3 months of rent in the span of two weeks, that's for sure.

The boy I'm working with today, has been awake since 1am.  I know drug addicts that sleep more than this kid.  He's very "intune" with his body.  I'm all for kids getting to know how their bodies work, but pulling out your crank and cranking your crank at any time in the middle of the living room, isn't cool.  And he knows that.  But, his mother gave his action a label, therefore giving him permission to continue.  I tell him, "please do that in your room."  His reply, "I'm playing with my penis."  Dear me.  This is the kid that sticks his head in the toilet, grinds my lipstick into the carpet, and is awful close with his mother.   Yeah, this'll be a fun day.

Brunch, I'm quickly becoming a fan.  I never "did" brunch in Philly; actually, I've done almost nothing in Philly except sing, dance, and cry.  I still do that in New York, but with not nearly as much sorrow.  As I was saying, brunch.  Awoke at noon after a lonnnnnnngggggg night of childcare.  Damn, I needed that sleep.  Dragged Richards and the Ballerina to Telephone Bar, a lovely Anglophilia-charged restaurant.  I don't care for most alcohol, but them Mimosas sure are yum yum yummy.  Yum.  We had the typical British breakfast of Nachos, Beans and Toast, and Fried Stilton Cheese.  Stilton cheese is delightfuly pungent, another yum.

Helped the Ballerina pick up a money order, assisted Richards in buying a birthday present for a 7yr old, then she helped me pick out a bottle of wine.  See how symbiosis works?  It's either symbiosis or codependancy.

I would love to stay in, really.  SNL's a good one tonight.  But, my presence is requested at a party, and alas I must go.  Let's not screw this one up, ok?

So, apparently when your boss gets you tickets to a Broadway show and is good friends with the producer (Tom Hulce) you're supposed to go over to him and congratulate him on the show - even if that means intertupting Rob Lowe.  And then he would invite you and your guest backstage during intermission to meet with the cast, and hob nob with Rob Lowe.  Well, did you know that?  I certainly didn't.  There's always next time, right?

This boss is pretty awesome.  She's friends with celebrities, but not super duper stars like Nicole Kidman or Brad Pitt, but old school fabulous ones I admire, like the Stillers.  There are photos of her with Jerry & Anne all over the house.  You know, I dig that!  And she's just a nice person.  The story goes she was in a rock climbing accident after she had her daughter, and lost 3 of her fingers on her left hand.  She never had a prosthesis put on.  She's a single mother, and I know she works really hard to support her daughter.  

Her daughter on the other hand, has some issues.  She's a bright, lovely 7yr old with a tremendous understanding of the theatre culture.  She's the only other person I've met that's seen We Will Rock You, the Queen musical.  But, she has the worse case of OCD I've ever seen in a child, and has a rotten demeanor.  For instance, she commented on my sunglasses today "They make you look like a dope."  "Your new haircut stinks."  It's really sad for a child to be treating others that way - she needs such love, and if her mother were offering me more money I'd gladly be that person that would love her.  But I can't.  It's just a job, and I'm nothing more than a glorified babysitter to her - so any and all respect she has for me, is thrown out the window.

She doesn't know I'm leaving to work with that other family.  She'll put up a brave front, and probably say "see if I care."  But I know she'll care; they all care.  I'll make time to babysit her, now and then.  There's something very charming about this child, I just wish I could spend more time with her, and hone that charm.  These are the sort of challenges I like.

I feel, in a way, I'm selling out.  I didn't become a Nanny for the money, in the begining.  It was always about the kids, knowing I was filling a void, and giving them love when others couldn't.  I love teaching them new things, their parents wouldn't neccessarly teach them.  And that was it.  With this new job, it's ridiculously materialistic.  "Stuff" never mattered nearly as much to me, and the families I've worked with.  Here, "stuff" is what wakes this family tick.  Perhaps I'm being selfish in taking this job; there are so many kids that need help.  But, I've come to a point in my life, where I need to put myself first.  And I have to be ok with that; to a point I am.

So, here it goes.  I'm taking a position where the money is as crazy and the perks.  These children will never ever want for anything; they'll always have people that love them, always have diamonds to keep their fingers sparkly.  And I suppose accepting this job, is a reflection on where I am in my life.

Hopping on the "C" at 72nd St.  Only rode for one stop.  He disembarked at 59th St.  I suppose an SNL with Annette Benning pretty much writes itself.  More drama later; time to pick up a child from school.

I just couldn't help myself.  I got a job!  Better haul the matched Louis Vuitton lugage out of the crawl space; Valet's going to St. Martin for Christmas!  And if I last that long, Tuscany, Paris, and Milan Fashion Week are in the cards - imagine me at Fashion Week??!!  This position I have recieved is one, I'm very proud of.  I've earned it.  And the family is allowing me to still perform Improv.  Squee.

I'm discontinuing the blogging, the Myspace, any interaction other then verbal, for two weeks.  I have come to the conclusion that in order to be social, actual interaction needs to take place.  If you wish to contact me, you must do it via telephone.

There is no profound reason that I'm doing this, no epipheny.  I've just decided to make some changes in my life.

For the next two weeks, if you want to know about the fabulous activities taking place in my life, you must call me.  I'm only accepting business-related emails; unless you're offering me a job taking care of your kids, don't bother emailing me.  Consequently, due to the "no blog" rule, that entails me no longer reading anybody's blog.

Let me do this, just for two weeks.  It's important for me, to challenge myself.  It seems my age, inexperience in life, and general naivety are taking center stage.  I wish I could tell you my thoughts on the world, the reasons I behave and act the way I do, my asparations, but I can't seem to, and I'm not so sure you'll listen.  I shut down, and rely to much on this blog as backup.  I'm not concerned what you think, but at the same time I'm petrified of the impending rejection.  

It's time to take risks.  Time to find my place in the world.  Time to stop merely existing, and begin living.  Now, that will take more than two weeks...

Fabulously yours,

s.

Walking down Amsterdam, she's a pale fella.  Never been a rabid Sex and the City fan, but I was excited because she was in Little Darlings!  If I had seen Kristy McNichol I would've been spent.  

In other news, I went to Radio Shack today to buy an alarm clock for the 7yr old, and inquired about downgrading my cell phone plan.  I've come to the conclusion, I don't need 900 min per month,  But, I've been happy because I have over 3000 rollover mins.  I was informed today, they all expire at the end of the year!  So, anyone who wants to read me Anna Karinina, then translate it to Latin over the phone, do so ASAP.

It's tonite.  Originally, I had no plans for the evening, and I wanted it that way.  I need to catch up with the DVR, rest my feet, take a bath, and relax.  But, my lovely Drag-Queen antagonizing friend called me, so off the Gay Bars tonite.  Hopefully, we'll get thrown out of more Chelsea establishments.  We met at an Amy Sedaris event over the Summer, and he is one of Keith Olbermann's bitches.  Here be his website.  Possibly NSFW, depending on where you work.

It's a bummer, I don't have anything to write about tonite.  It's not as though nothing happened today; something always hapenns.  Ok, well here's something to glom onto, until this writer's black passes.  We (the roommates that speak to each other), have decided to purchase a Christmas tree for the apartment.  I have a super sweet Mr. Bill ornament, just waiting for a Charlie Brown tree.

It's East Village Day, similar to Make Out Day, but with less friction.  Liam's show was delightful, but underwhelming.  Richards and I proceeded to trot around the Lower East Side.  She's a good one to go touring with - need a place to find cheap but yummy soup, she knows.  Need a polaroid picture, she's got the hook up.  Want a Dr. Pepper but not at the store to pick one up, she'll do it for you.  Bottom line, don't believe the rumours you hear about Richards - she's pretty decent and reliable. 

I discovered I have a strange fear of sleeping bags.

Have two interviews tomorrow, and doing the P.A. stuff. 

Well, I know it's mine.  And what a day it's been; it's still taking place!  I went on one interview in the Big Business area on Madison, and was kept waiting by the father at his office for 40min,  I try to be on time, or be early - that's how I roll.  And I'm ok with someone being late - things happen.  But 40min, without any regard for the person kept in limbo - not cool, Good Sir.  And not even apologizing; my good man, that's no way to conduct business.  But I digress.  He wore a monster Rolex, that probably told the time and tempereature in the Mariana Trench, and he barely smiled.  But he was pleased with my demanor, charm, and expereice.  So there.  Round 2 of the interview will comence later this week.

I met my Arkansian friend for lunch, under the Empire State building.  She just moved back to the City, and is a lovely young woman.  She digs the Broadway shows, is a Nanny, and has just become my neighbor.  At this point, we're each other's competition.  For some reason, I'm not very tactful when we speak.  Foot in mouth, type of deal.  As some of you know, I'm pretty astute at "pes in os".  

 I then walked from Times Square all the way home.  That's another good walk under my belt!  Went to Duane Reade for some Charmin and water, dropped off my laundary, and have been watching West Side Story all afternoon.  Maybe a little dancing around the empty apartment took place, as well.  It's not as though I went on the fire escape, and sang.  At least not today.  A crowd pleasing day, indeed!

In the living room!  I don't like the snap traps, or the glue traps.  Does a humane mouse trap exist?  Mice don't bother me, really.  I've had 9 hamsters in my life, rodents are cool with me.  Dead mice are a different story.  This one, who I've named Eva Braun bi-costal.  She lives under the radiator in the living room, and behind the stove in the kitchen.  When you come over, don't forget to say hi.  Hopefully, Donna Rachele Mussolini mouse & Khieu Ponnary mouse will make an appearance.

It's good to be back at home, hanging with my roommates.  They really are hilarious.  One is a rabid fan of Dexter, the show on Showtime (we have all the episodes saved, and I love me some serial killers, but I've been to busy to really enjoy it) - so much show, she got off on it today.  She told me I could print this, so I'm not a complete weirdo.  Hey, I'm not the one masturbating to a show about a serial killer!  The other explained to us tonight, she has a fear of Vaginas, particularly her own.  Are they really that frightnening?  The answer is yes.

I'm still working like crazy this week.  Hopefully, I'll check out Liam's show tomorrow night - haven't been in a long while.  His blog is really amusing.  Maybe I'll finally catch Running With Scissors or Marie Antoinette this week.  I don't really don't know; one thing I'm sure of - a 60hour work week isn't something I'm making a habit out of.

It's tough living with someone you work for, for almost a whole week.  Sometimes you want to smack the person, other times you have no regard for someone standing in a towel about to get into the shower, particularly when you just wanted to make them aware that Hugh Laurie was hosting SNL.  I'm the one in the towel.  And SNL was a repeat.

My life is similar to Kiefer Sutherland's.  For instance, both he and I are on the go constantly; I being a fabulous Nanny and all around hellion, and he being the go-to super agent on the hit tv program, 24.  Both of our fathers are respected men in their respective field; Donald Sutherland was pretty sweet in Space Cowboys, and my father's all the rage at the Nursing Home he's employed at.  Although Julia Roberts didn't leave me at the alter, for Kiefer's best friend Jason Patric, I once tried to leave my boyfriend for his best friend, then he went crazy, and we commited him to a psychiatric hospital.  Kiefer starred in Flatliners, I thought I shouldv'e died many times.  He has won Emmys, I have a bowling trophy with "High Score 90" engraved on it.  Kiefer thought a women was being mugged, and tried to stop it, only to later learn it was all for a student film.  I made two student films, a silent film showing the repurcussions of drugs in the United States with an Ace of Base soundtrack, and one where I gave a tour of my father's old chemical laboratory.  And I was once in Philadelphia with my mother when I was 9 or 10, all dolled up for the holidays.  I gave a homeless women my gloves; she might have mugged someone for them, had I not given her mine.  Kiefer has a plucky costar who used to perform improv and dates Rush Limbaugh.  I perform improv, I'm pretty plucky, and the second guy I slept with was over 300lbs and a recovering addict.  My friends were never killed by nerve gas, but one of my roommates farts an awful lot  Kiefer was in the cult classis "Freeway" about a girl who runs away from home, and is abducted by Kiefer; he proceeds to cut her ponytail off.  I was bored one evening, and had my boyfriend at the time cut my ponytail off; consequently my hair was above my ears.  And then I had him comitted.  Kiefer has most likely slept with a model or two; my ex-boyfriend stayed in the same psychiactric unti as supermodel Gia Carangi.  He appreciates great racks; my answer is pretty self-explanitory.

...but the simlarities don't end there!  How do you think Kiefer Sutherland and I are similar?

I can't believe Hannukah is less then 3 weeks away.  It's times like this, I'm really glad most of my friends are Christian, or in some cases Athiest.  Well, I've made my list;

-SEPHORA, SEPHORA, SEPHORA
-books, books, books
-DVD's
-a plane ticket to London
-a bed
-a swell messenger bag (Le Sportsac???)
-sephora
-a kick-ass pair of boots
-the will to live; I accept Sephora in it's place

The sexual favors hannukah wish list is still in it's early stages.  And since we all seem to be posting photos on our blogs;